How I Cleaned Out My Pipes

As I exited my beautiful, Balinese villa for my first day of treatments on what was the most amazing retreat of my life, I glanced down at my treatment card to see what lush, blissful, relaxing things they had in store for me today.

First up: colonic irrigation. Eeeekkkkkkk!!! (Insert petrified face!)

I had heard of colonics but my knowledge extended as far as shoving a pipe up your bot bot and letting the poop run out.

This was not exactly what I signed up for.

I had envisioned Balinese ladies massaging every inch of my body, lying in flower baths, and sitting in a sauna.

Nevertheless, I got on with it. I approached the treatment room feeling quite dubious. To my surprise, not one but two little ladies opened the door. Brilliant! I have to strip naked plus let them shove a pipe up my tush in front of not one but two ladies.

Surprisingly, the forty-five minutes went fast! We talked about life, boys, and our dreams. I even had some time to read my book. To be honest, it wasn’t that bad at all. I left feeling lighter, cleaner, and my tummy was super flat.

Coffee enemas are another way to clean out your pipes—and in the privacy of your own home. Although I have never done a coffee enema, my girl, Jess Ainscough, is an absolute pro at it.

I’ll let Jess tell you why:

I was diagnosed with cancer in 2008. And then again in 2009. After weighing up my options and doing a lot of research I decided to put all my faith in my body and employ so-called “radical” natural therapies to heal myself. This meant lots and lots of juicing, a clean plant-based whole food diet, meditation and numerous daily coffee enemas. Yes, coffee enemas. Coffee that goes up your butt.

Once upon a time I wouldn’t even do a number two with my boyfriend in the house. These days, we talk about enemas at the dinner table. As a health and wellness blogger, I love that I have created a safe online space where people can share their bodily concerns with me. But the achievement I am most proud of is that it seems I’ve made conversations about enemas a little less taboo. Questions about rear-end irrigation constantly appear in my comment feeds from people desperate for more information about how to clean out their colons. It seems I’ve started a movement. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. No more toilet puns, I promise.

So why are coffee enemas such a big deal? Why is it that I often say that regular DIY enemas will change your life? Because they offer a helping hand to your poor, over-worked liver! Your liver is easily the hardest working organ in your body. All day long it is busy sifting through everything your body consumes (this includes through your mouth, your nose and your skin). Your liver decides what is good enough to stay in your body and what is toxic and needs to be eliminated. This is no easy feat when you consider the amount of toxins that we consume on a daily basis. There are the cosmetics, chemicalised foods, cleaning products and petrol fumes – just to name a few. This is where enemas come in and work their magic. Coffee enemas help to stimulate the liver and increase bile production to excrete toxins more rapidly. They literally flush it out. They have the amazing ability to rescue people from all kinds of ailments including headaches, hangovers, colds and flues and yes, even cancer. At the end of World War 1 coffee enemas were employed as effective pain relief for wounded soldiers. Panadol shmanadol.

If you’ve read this far into the post, you must be intrigued by how to actually do a coffee enema, right? Don’t be shy. It is nowhere near as uncomfortable or gross as it may seem. To get things started, you will need to buy an enema kit (search online or ask at your local pharmacy or health store) and some organic ground coffee. Make it fair trade also, just to be nice. Then, once you’ve worked up the courage to give it a crack (I know, broke the promise), follow these instructions:

• Boil enough coffee for two enemas just in case you can’t hold the first one and want to try again. For two enemas, bring one litre of water to the boil in a pot on the stove. Once boiling, remove from the stove and add six tablespoons of coffee. Boil for three minutes, then reduce to simmer for another 15 minutes. Remove from the stove and strain the coffee. Add eight ounces of coffee to your bucket and top it up with 16 ounces of purified water. Once you get used to this amount you can bump it up to 24 ounces of water to make the solution 32 ounces in total.

• Lay a yoga mat or towels on your bathroom floor (for padding).

• Release the clasp and let the liquid run through the tube and drip a bit into the sink. This will remove any air bubbles. Hang or sit the enema bucket on a chair – it needs to be higher than you so that gravity can do its thing. Not too high though or the liquid will go in too fast and you won’t be able to hold it.

• Lie on your right side with your legs pulled up towards your chest. Lube up the end of the tube with a bit of coconut oil and insert about two inches into your bottom.

• Let the solution flow all the way in and tighten the clamp before removing it. Then lie back and relax for 10 to 15 minutes.

See, easy. Contrary to popular belief, regular coffee enemas will not cause your bowel to rupture or your bowel movements to become impaired. I have been doing at least three every day for over two years now and my bowels are still fine and dandy. Bottoms up!

Bio: Jess Ainscough is a writer, holistic health coach, and the creator of the health and wellness website, The Wellness Warrior. Via her e-books, daily blog posts, and videos, Jess’ goal is to empower people to take control of their health and show that the quality of our lives is directly linked to how we treat our body and mind. Her transformation from champagne-guzzling, Lean Cuisine-loving magazine writer to all-out nutrition nerd was made after she was diagnosed with a rare, “incurable” cancer back in 2008. Deciding she wasn’t having a bar of that “incurable” nonsense, Jess took responsibility for her condition with two years of Gerson Therapy. Along the way, Jess developed a obsession with passing on all of her newly learnt wellness wisdom to anyone who was parked in front of her for long enough to listen.

Connect with Jess on Twitter, Facebook or over at her blog.

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